Estela Suarez Mba
BASED IN BERLIN
Estela is a graphic designer, makeup artist and voguer currently stationed in Berlin. Their art reflects their interest in psychology and my need to exteriorise and amplify their inner feelings. Estela’s work stays away from escapism in the way that it actually takes a look at the things they would normally run away from. It shines a light into their own experiences while also looking at the darkest crevices, serving as a kind of shadow work that allows them to heal. They hope that it can serve to heal someone else.
From Houston to Berlin (18/5/2020)
A moving train glides through the tracks, The same route everyday
To midtown and back.
Today’s route glides past the city lights. One passenger, a girl, begins to cry. Another passenger starts to laugh.
It’s well past 4 am,
But the train car is packed.
City that never sleeps. City that never stops.
Fueled by cocaine, violence, and cigarette butts. City that doesn’t dream.
City that doesn’t love.
The way things change,
Like a song sampled on a track. One day you’re crying,
The other you laugh.
Painful things leave as memories, And as triggers they come back.
In the city that beams,
In the trains that don’t run.
My reflection on the pavement, I couldn’t recognise.
A devil-like smile
And a pair of sad eyes.
I made a promise that night
That I would never go back.
To feeling like a child abandoned to her luck.
And I ran from the feeling, and I ran and I ran. A frenzy of a chase,
A running that didn’t stop.
To this day I still run
But it still catches up
It lurks over my shoulder
In every train, at every light.
I won’t be defeated, I won’t go back.
To that awful city without love, dreams, time or light.
A face, like any other.
Two eyes, the slight traces of age stretch further down, And embrace the corners of your mouth.
And even before you speak,
Your gaze has already said what you will.
If you attempted to replace the truth with the fake,
Those around you would notice clear as day.
Your expressiveness shows within as well as on the surface.
Those who are lucky enough to receive your love. Pray that it will never go away.
If the fickle suffer of weakness,
Then you’ve achieved the greatest strength.
Unwavering kindness and affection keep ambivalence at bay.
The sunshine trickling from a window as you come in and say: Just how much it means to you that we’ve decided to stay.
Funny it is in retrospect that every year as today, Its been you reeling us in as to never go astray.
Green stays above me, Green is unreachable, Green abandoned me When I was little.
Green is a feast for my eyes, So I starve in the winter.
Green is what I feel when fantasy becomes real. Green holds me when no one else will.
Green is the air when I’m planning to leave And haven’t told anyone yet.
Green is a promise to myself.
Green is my problem with attachment. Green forgives.
Green is when I walk in the street
In a country that doesn’t know me.
Green is all around.
Green are the lovers that I’ve lost And the friends I’ve found.
Green is not what’s behind, it’s what I’m walking towards. Green is not a color, its a feeling I hold onto.
Green is my sore throat,
And my aching heart.
Green is the lingering hope
That happiness leaves when you know it’ll come back.